tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
