seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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