is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
