New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
