I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
