i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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