It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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