Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
