True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
