phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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