If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
