last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
