Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
