you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
