my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
