He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
