i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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