The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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