I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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