Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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