She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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