Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
