areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
