i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
