My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
