dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
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You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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