just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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