Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
