I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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