If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
