This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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