Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
