Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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