just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
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Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
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