I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
