Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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