That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
