i would punch a child for taco bell
im six kinds of drunk right now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
