mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
