i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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