i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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