He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
BRING THE BAGELS
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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