i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Every concussion has its silver lining
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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