I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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