you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
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I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
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I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said