He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
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Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
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Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?