She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
