Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that