Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How does it feel to date your dad?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.