I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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