she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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