someone threw a dead crab at me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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