i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I still have a little drunk in my system
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
