I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
