After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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