He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
