its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
