I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
