I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
