When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
